Some people believe that there are only two possible feelings/states for us to be in: love and fear.  Maybe we can also be in total numbness but that’s another story.  Let’s indulge and assume that love and fear are it.

The 36 days of obsidian mirror exercises suggested by Sergio Magaña have been an incredible journey of discovery.  I am on day 29 and intend to stay with it till the end in spite of a hectic travel and work schedule.  I have had a lot of intense emotions while immersing myself in the exercise of staring into the mirror and making my image “disappear”.  Deep breathing and hyperventilating help getting in the mood.

My most common reflex has been laughter.  I have laughed a lot at myself the last 29 days.  I look at myself and see my folly, my foolishness.  And that’s refreshing.  It has not been a journey of pain. In many respects, it has been a journey of fun.

What’s surprised me tremendously is how much I have connected with fear.  Not exactly that I have experienced fear while looking at the mirror.  Rather, it’s more like becoming aware of a memory of all the aspects of my life that relate to fear.

When I look at my reflection in the mirror, what I see is that I have spent a lot of my life in fear: fear of looking bad, fear of not being loved, fear of being wrong, fear of being judged, fear of being poor, fear of being sick, fear of being lonely, fear of being ridiculed…  It runs very deep and is very recurring.

Therefore, I have played a lot of hands in my life with safety in mind.  Risk aversion.  I of course cannot take any of my past back.  And neither do I think I am going to fly to Vegas tomorrow to try my hand at gambling.

The greatest fear is probably to be seen exactly as I am.  “What if they really discover who/how I am?”  That means I have lived through a lot of shame.  A lot of that shame is contained in this blog in one way or another.  Starting with sexual abuse in childhood and feeling I “allowed and participated”.  Going through a lifetime of trying to find love in women to feel “secure and comforted” while constantly experiencing a huge sexual drive and recurring attractions that I now know I perceived as “dirty”.

I have to confess.  Sometimes I even felt this fear of “being discovered” at work when I was learning new things.  People would probably describe me as a very competent professional but at times I even doubted and feared that aspect of myself.

The purpose of the exercises with the obsidian mirror is to empty ourselves of the negativity we bring within by returning it to the mirror.  That’s why I’ve laughed a lot at my own folly.  Then, we can replace the void with beauty and authenticity.

I am a competent respected professional.

I am loved.

People can feel good around me.

I am a hot and horny guy and (some) women love that.

I am creative.

I am happy.

I feel love in my heart.

I create every day anew.

And you dear reader, what do you fear??